Earlier this month i was feeling extremely low for no reason that i was aware of. I just wanted to stay in bed and hide from everybody. My mum, the keeper of my medication, suggested i upped my dosage of sertraline a little to see if it helps. So she sat with me and we took a packet of pills and cut each one in half.
It was pretty nostalgic, popping each little tablet out of its packaging until they were in a pile on my bed. I remembered the fear and the excitement of the times i had purposely taken overdoses, attempting suicide.
My mum went to her “secret” box where she hides all of my medication, she brought back a packet of 100mg pills – so we cut them in half with a pair of scissors. (yet another household item that plays a part in triggering my suicidal temperament).
Within just a week of upping my dosage by 50mg, i felt like i was floating through life on a fluffy white cloud, the sun was always shining for me and getting out of bed in the morning was no problem at all. I was enjoying work, staying up late and saying “yes” alot more. I was starting to look forward to living and i was kind of happy – for me any way.
At first i found it amazing that just by swallowing an extra half of a tiny pill each morning could change my mood and my attitude so drastically, the fact that i could go from sitting alone in a dark room slicing my wrists open with a box cutter one week to squealing with laughter, begging my best friend to come over so that we could do face masks together the next.
When i started writing this post, i was happy, on top of the world and ready to share with all of you how fantastic i think medication is and how wonderful such a small amount can help.. But now im thinking that its pretty fucked up that in order for me to enjoy my life, i have to take medication.. i have to drug up my feelings and silence the voices inside my head, when the people around me dont have to do that. They dont have to pop pills each morning so that they can function properly, they just wake up and they are who they are.
Why should i have to take medication to stop my mind from thinking awful things?
To stop my mouth from saying things that are just down right terrible?
To stop my body from wanting to do things that it shouldn’t?
If i am feeling and behaving this way then clearly its what is meant to be?
Should i really be taking medication that stops me from being myself? Medication that turns me into a new person?
I desperately just want to be myself but i really dont know who she is.
I cant remember what living felt like before my mental illness, has it always been there? Am i really better now im taking medication? Is the medication making me a better person or is it making me a different person?
I want to know, am i more Lydia before, or after i take my pills each morning?