+50mg

Earlier this month i was feeling extremely low for no reason that i was aware of. I just wanted to stay in bed and hide from everybody. My mum, the keeper of my medication, suggested i upped my dosage of sertraline a little to see if it helps. So she sat with me and we took a packet of pills and cut each one in half.

It was pretty nostalgic, popping each little tablet out of its packaging until they were in a pile on my bed. I remembered the fear and the excitement of the times i had purposely taken overdoses, attempting suicide.

My mum went to her “secret” box where she hides all of my medication, she brought back a packet of 100mg pills –  so we cut them in half with a pair of scissors. (yet another household item that plays a part in triggering my suicidal temperament).

Within just a week of upping my dosage by 50mg, i felt like i was floating through life on a fluffy white cloud, the sun was always shining for me and getting out of bed in the morning was no problem at all. I was enjoying work, staying up late and saying “yes” alot more. I was starting to look forward to living and i was kind of happy – for me any way.

At first i found it amazing that just by swallowing an extra half of a tiny pill each morning could change my mood and my attitude so drastically, the fact that i could go from sitting alone in a dark room slicing my wrists open with a box cutter one week to squealing with laughter, begging my best friend to come over so that we could do face masks together the next.

When i started writing this post, i was happy, on top of the world and ready to share with all of you how fantastic i think medication is and how wonderful such a small amount can help..  But now im thinking that its pretty fucked up that in order for me to enjoy my life, i have to take medication.. i have to drug up my feelings and silence the voices inside my head, when the people around me dont have to do that. They dont have to pop pills each morning so that they can function properly, they just wake up and they are who they are.

Why should i have to take medication to stop my mind from thinking awful things?

To stop my mouth from saying things that are just down right terrible?

To stop my body from wanting to do things that it shouldn’t?

If i am feeling and behaving this way then clearly its what is meant to be?

Should i really be taking medication that stops me from being myself? Medication that turns me into a new person?

I desperately just want to be myself but i really dont know who she is.

I cant remember what living felt like before my mental illness, has it always been there? Am i really better now im taking medication? Is the medication making me a better person or is it making me a different person?

I want to know, am i more Lydia before, or after i take my pills each morning?

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Wasp

You say that sometimes my words hurt you

That you don’t want to hear about my past because you are my future

You don’t like it when I get drunk and snippets of truth fall out of my mouth

You say that kinda stuff I should keep to myself

But baby there are so many more words to tell

I know they’d hurt you

So I hold them inside of me like a wasp on my tongue

Letting them sting me instead

-Lydia Joy

Friday Smiles

Every morning i have to walk along a main road on a narrow footpath to get to my work place. Its often windy and cars are rushing by noisly – most likely on route to their work place.

This morning i was walking along with my heavy weekend bag weighing down my shoulder, wearing black jeans, a baby pink t shirt and black silky bomber jacket – nothing special, just my regular “Dress Down Friday” attire. When i was startled by an oncoming silver car (im no good with car names, but it was silver 3 door) beeped and slowed down to pass me, i watched as a young man blew me a slow kiss then carried on driving past.

Not to sound narcissistic but similar instances happen quite often, men beeping or shouting something vulgar out of the window of their moving vehicle at me. Usually i just ignore this behaviour, sometimes shake my head in disgust. I dismiss these instances and forget about them almost immediately. 

But this young man wasn’t in a works van squashed next to other males, on their way to a construction job, winding down the window to shout at me or beeping to get a reaction out of his mates.

He was alone, driving to work.. or perhaps driving home from working the night shift,  he took the time out of his day to show me some appreciation – for no benefit of his own. I mean its not like he was complimenting me in hopes he would receive dirty pictures or even sex. I don’t know him, he doesn’t know me and the likelihood of us ever seeing each other again is incredibly slim. He did this, purely to let me know he thinks im cute. That makes me think that he himself is cute. I was not dressed provocatively, i was simply struggling with a heavy bag, sweat dripping down the back of my neck on my commute to work.  

Isnt it a beautiful thing that somebody can compliment you without using any words. Somebody can make your day without you even being able to clearly see their face.

 

T

My soul is a blazing fire 

Burning high, scorching to the clouds

Your love sweet like April showers 

Raining over me 

Defusing the blaze 

Softening the air 

And quenching the grass that lays beneath
You cure me the way that medicine cures a disease

 

I was drowning in murky waters but you lifted me out and pulled the debris from my throat

You gave me hope that I never knew existed 

 

 

My life once filled with sorrow and fear

Now the glistening reflection of faith and serenity

 

And for that I will forever be in debt

For you have given me 

The confidence

To survive

-Lydia Joy

Lo x

When you meet me

You dont just meet Lydia

You must be aware that deep inside me

there is somebody else

 

Somebody who is desperate to get out

Each day she gets closer and closer to the world

She was born in my soul

But she has clawed her way up to the tip of my tongue

Today she is trying to prize open my teeth so that she can tell everyone what she wants them to hear

 

After a few good days for Lydia

she will gain strength

and temporarily suffocate Lydia

 

She will say and do things that i would not usually do

She has fun, lets loose

Tarnishing my existing relationships and creating new ones of her own

 

Meanwhile, i am paralyzed..

Watching her ruin my life.

 

-Lydia Joy