I think that i owe you an apology.
Because for the past 22 years i have resented you. My own sister.
Every time somebody mentioned your name the blood would boil inside my veins and i would close my ears because i didn’t want to hear it.
I felt as though i was living in your shadow, your replacement and i would never live up to the expectations our parents had of you.
I often think about you and i wonder, would you have put our parents through the same amount of pain that i have? Would you have made our mother cry like i do? & I bet that they wonder this too.
When i was younger i would try to imagine what life would be like if you had lived.
Would we have shared a bedroom? Borrowed each others clothes? Would we even have got along with each other? Would you have looked like me? I wonder if people would have still picked on me, knowing that i have an older sister to defend me and fight my battles. Would you have helped me with my homework and given me make overs and advice about boys? Because growing up i really needed some guidance like that.
But then id remember how stupid i was for even wondering such things, because Daisy, if you hadn’t died then i wouldn’t be alive.
There’s no way we could have ever painted each others nails or bickered in the back of Dads car on the way to one of our famous Cornwall holidays.. because we were never supposed to even meet each other.
Heaven knows i have prayed to god that you and i could switch places many of times. I have felt guilt deeper than the ocean for living such a pitiful life when you didn’t get the chance.
Every time i would turn down an invitation to a party or an outing with friends or family, i would feel a sharp stabbing pain in my throat remembering that you can never do these things, you will never have friends, you will never fall in love, you will never meet our nephew. I feel guilt on top of guilt for all of this too because im not the only one that has to live without you and although our mother would tell me how much it hurts to loose a child, i will never truly understand the way she feels about you.
All my life, my thoughts have been as so – I am the replacement child that is reminded everyday of how badly they wanted me. But they didn’t want me really, they wanted you but settled for me.
But recently i have had a revelation that, rather than continue to feel guilty for letting you down, instead of living in your shadow.. im going to live in your light.
Because although part of me is buried with you, there’s also part of you beating in my heart and i dont want to let you down anymore.
Im going to live my life to the fullest for you. Im not going to cancel on plans last minute and i wont let people push me around anymore. Im going to stand up for us and im going to embrace life and take every opportunity to have a good time and im going to work hard to achieve something and make an impact on the world.
I will never know what your hopes and dreams were, and i will never know what you were destined to do.. so i will do everything i can and i will never close my ears again.